This is a difficult day for me.
Three years ago I learned
You took your life in that bank parking lot.
…“Filled with tears of physical sadness,
yet eternal hope”
were the first words in your suicide letter.
The suffering you were feeling
is thoughtfully explained as is
your stated concern for us.
You question, “how will we go on without you”?
You justify that “death’s door is inevitable
from stress and the sheer thoughts
of failure and hopelessness”
in part from trying to” save” all of us.
As for me, I feel like I failed you.
I’ve stumbled through my days wondering
the “whys” and the “how could I have known” and
“the how did I miss the “signs”?
How could I have helped your fears?
Maybe I could have offered
a shoulder to cry on,
some words of cheer?
You wrote in your letter, you guessed that
when we would first heard the news,
“we would be shocked…
You were correct as always.
I’ve searched my memory and
I now recall in so many words or less,
in your actions…your lack of actions,
you were indeed showing the tell-tale signs-
you had already quit this so called “game of life”.
“It was just a matter of time…
You played the hand you were dealt”, you scribed.
The obscurity to think…you could save us
from further strife
by sacrificing your precious life.
You typed that “you hated making
the ultimate decision”.
But you did.
You ask for our forgiveness.
Some days, I have, and other moments
Well, I am still reckoning with the loss.
What your actions taught me is
“love does not win”.
“hope does not overcome”.
You discuss “society’s greed
and your ultimate defeat”.
You let them win. But…
I believe you are now free
and were welcomed by dear ones
and mourn no more
of things of this ridiculous
illusion, our world.
With each passing of a new moon,
the emptiness of losing you doesn’t ease.
I long to hear your voice,
to see those blue twinkling eyes,
and oh, your smile and grin
and shenanigans you are creating
with that brilliant mind of yours.
But you are gone
and I must move on and
take ownership of my life.
With a heart so full of
forgiveness and of love today.
with belief, faith and
of God’s promise.
our souls will reunite.
In your last words…
For My Brother Charles (Chuckie)