In Your Last Words

This is a difficult day for me.

Three years ago I learned

You took your life in that bank parking lot.

 

…“Filled with tears of physical sadness,

yet eternal hope”

were the first words in your suicide letter.

 

The suffering you were feeling

is thoughtfully explained as is

your stated concern for us.

You question, “how will we go on without you”?

 

You justify that “death’s door is inevitable

from stress and the sheer thoughts

of failure and hopelessness”

in part from trying to” save” all of us.

 

As for me, I feel like I failed you.

I’ve stumbled through my days wondering

the “whys” and the “how could I have known” and

“the how did I miss the “signs”?

How could I have helped your fears?

Maybe I could have offered

a shoulder to cry on,

some words of cheer?

 

You wrote in your letter, you guessed that

when we would first heard the news,

“we would be shocked…

and devastated”…

You were correct as always.

 

I’ve searched my memory and

I now recall in so many words or less,

in your actions…your lack of actions,

you were indeed showing the tell-tale signs-

you had already quit this so called “game of life”.

 

“It was just a matter of time…

You played the hand you were dealt”, you scribed.

The obscurity to think…you could save us

from further strife

by sacrificing your precious life.

 

You typed that “you hated making

the ultimate decision”.

But you did.

 

You ask for our forgiveness.

Some days, I have, and other moments

Well, I am still reckoning with the loss.

 

What your actions taught me is

“love does not win”.

“hope does not overcome”.

You discuss “society’s greed

and your ultimate defeat”.

 

You let them win. But…

 

I believe you are now free

and were welcomed by dear ones

and mourn no more

of things of this ridiculous

illusion, our world.

 

With each passing of a new moon,

the emptiness of losing you doesn’t ease.

I long to hear your voice,

to see those blue twinkling eyes,

and oh, your smile and grin

and shenanigans you are creating

with that brilliant mind of yours.

 

But you are gone

and I must move on and

take ownership of my life.

 

With a heart so full of

forgiveness and of love today.

with belief, faith and

of God’s promise.

our souls will reunite.

Someday.

 

In your last words…

 

For My Brother Charles (Chuckie)

Kimberly Molyneaux

03/08/2019

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