When your actions and words
show me who you are towards me,
it is difficult for me not to be triggered
by the past abuse I suffered.
I relive it all over again. And again.
I have become so numb that I must be the one
not to hold on to grievances and must let it all go.
Your behavior is not just mean but cruel.
I can no longer continue to plead for your forgiveness.
I am not making excuses for my past behavior.
I had been neglected and hung out to dry in the hot sun
left out in the bitter weather to freeze,
watched my mom beaten and stabbed,
and when I came home from fifth grade, I had to call 9-11
because I found her breeding from slit writs.
I was left to starve; I needed clothing, shelter. But I survived.
I did not receive your help or your sympathy because you were too young to know.
I know I do not deserve your empathy or your forgiveness.
You were not the ones who hurt me then, but you are the one that hurts me now.
I hurt you because of them. It was not your fault.
I should have done better.
No excuses from me. I tried to hang on for years.
I am impressed that I did it for so long.
Then I fell. And the price I have paid is high.
And it is okay. I accept it. I surrender for It is the truth.
I failed you. You will most likely never read this. But I will. Over and over.
It has been exhausting. Yet I continue to try to make you love me.
Whose fault is this but my own.
When you continue to show me who you are
and what you believe, then I must leave
and save me. You call me crazy.
It is okay. I am too tired to be ashamed again.
You do not have to love me. Until we meet again…