It Is

When your actions and words

show me who you are towards me,

it is difficult for me not to be triggered

by the past abuse I suffered.

I relive it all over again. And again.

I have become so numb that I must be the one

not to hold on to grievances and must let it all go.

Your behavior is not just mean but cruel.

I can no longer continue to plead for your forgiveness.

I am not making excuses for my past behavior.

I had been neglected and hung out to dry in the hot sun

 left out in the bitter weather to freeze,

watched my mom beaten and stabbed,

and when I came home from fifth grade, I had to call 9-11

because I found her breeding from slit writs.

 I was left to starve; I needed clothing, shelter. But I survived.

I did not receive your help or your sympathy because you were too young to know.

I know I do not deserve your empathy or your forgiveness.

You were not the ones who hurt me then, but you are the one that hurts me now.

I hurt you because of them. It was not your fault.

I should have done better.

No excuses from me. I tried to hang on for years.

I am impressed that I did it for so long.

Then I fell. And the price I have paid is high.

And it is okay. I accept it. I surrender for It is the truth.

I failed you. You will most likely never read this. But I will. Over and over.

It has been exhausting. Yet I continue to try to make you love me.

Whose fault is this but my own.

When you continue to show me who you are

and what you believe, then I must leave

and save me. You call me crazy.

It is okay. I am too tired to be ashamed again.

You do not have to love me. Until we meet again…

Kimberly Molyneaux


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