“Child of God, you were created to create the good, the beautiful and the holy. Do not forget this.” A Course In Miracles
I forgot that I was born a “Child of God”. I not only “forgot” but I was also raised in the typical American household in which the idea of original sin was believed to be true. I believed I was born dirty and full of sin. I wasn’t sure how to even “remember”. My definition of “sin” now is “living under a false sense of separation from God”, something I learned in Unity (Unity Worldwide Ministries) teachings. Believing I am separate from God is a delusion because God is, in reality, continuously present within us. I do not believe in original sin. I believe we are all born in original blessing. My former belief system was shaped by many things:
- The era I was born into (the 1960s),
- Being birthed by 1) a young woman that was raised in foster homes and orphanages and
- 2) to an absent, young, alcoholic father,
- A need to belong within a church in which the doctrine of original sin and unworthiness were fundamental teachings, and
- Numerous perpetrators; several were part of my “family” who abused me mentally, physically, spiritually and sexually throughout my childhood.
“Insanity: doing the same thing, over and over again, and expecting different results.” Albert Einstein
My Healing Journey
My journey of healing from a traumatic childhood began almost 40 years ago. I was physically, mentally, spiritually and sexually abused by many perpetrators. By age 17, I was a high school drop –out and pregnant. My teenage marriage lasted less than a year.
By the time I was 30 years old; I had remarried and birthed four more children. To further my former husband’s career and thrive financially we moved several times throughout the United States. All the while I was suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome from my childhood abuse, combined with post-partum depression, a lack of emotional support or coping skills of the many changes taking place, I succumbed to a state of inner turmoil, chaos and self-destructive behaviors. Ultimately, I fell apart psychologically and physically. Then what was supposed to be a short separation from my marriage, ended in a divorce. I can honestly say all the events were due to my belief system at the time.
Throughout all of the changes and challenges, I found happiness in my little family. I welcomed each child into my life with pure love and gratitude. I never once regretted my decisions to have my children, move for career growth or to be married. Throughout my joblessness, homelessness, relationship failures and economic devastation, I never lost my faith in God. I felt abandoned by Him at times, but I knew I was I wasn’t alone. I just keep thinking if I was “good enough” and tried to be perfect, then God would love me.
As a child, I looked for answers for my inner restless soul mostly in religious doctrines and my former husband. I wanted either one of these two to wave a magic wand and make my pain go away. But even if they could have at the time, it would not have worked. I see now why my soul’s evolution to growth had to go through so much suffering.
I seriously spent all of my youth and well into my 40’s, crying out to God to love me. No man, no job, friend, family member, child, church doctrine or amount of money could have changed my deep core beliefs about myself. I truly drank the poison from my role models; along with the false teachings that I swallowed. I didn’t know better. I believed I was a victim at my deepest core. Even though, I understood on a rational level that I was not a victim. I believed that I deserved all the negative events happening. I recreated the patterns to self-sabotage myself.
My mother suffered from a variety of mental and physical illnesses. She coped by getting involved with abusive men. She has been married five times. She was constantly moving from place to place. She had no identity or self-worth. She was a puppet. In many ways, I followed her lifestyle and choices. I witnessed as my mother descended into more depression, suicide attempts and finally, she just checked out emotionally. I know she loved us but wasn’t able to save herself, let alone us. Therefore, my three siblings and I were left to fend for ourselves.
My male role models were either absent or abusive. Our life was complicated and turbulent due to that we had to survive at the hands of a monster, our step-father.
“You’ve always had the power my dear; you just had to learn it for yourself.” Wizard of Oz
What I Learned
When I made the commitment more than 20 years ago to heal myself, I had no idea of the many more challenges I would have to go through to get to where I am today! I thirsted for knowledge on how to overcome victimhood to a survivor. I read numerous books on personal development, spiritual and theology. Through various teachings I learned the “universal laws”, spiritual principles and recovery methods. I studied and attended conferences and workshops to understand spiritual principles and the recovery movement. I also attended weekly spiritual counseling sessions as well. I attended mental health classes four times a week as well as private therapy sessions.
I discovered that I needed to SURRENDER to the present moment! I was always living in the past and the future! I now daily apply learning resources to help others to cut off their “shackles” and begin anew!
I CAN HELP YOU!
My mentoring is mixology of spiritual principles, recovery tools,education and my own life experiences. With my wisdom, guidance, listening skills and empathy, I can support you in whatever it is you are going through in your life! Who better than someone who has experienced so much and came out happy, healthy and content? I no longer crave “inner peace”! I have found it!
Let me share with you what I learned!
Book a Mentoring session. Attend an upcoming workshop or retreat. Or contact me for further information on holding a workshop or retreat for your organization.
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton