I am Not Alone

When I was thinking over the topic for today’s blog, I kept trying to go back to a time period of when things were tough for me. I wanted to write something like, “back when things were really tough for me, like about five years ago…”, however, the time frame wasn’t working for me. So I kept thinking to myself of when the “tough times were”, and it’s then that I realized that the “tough times” have been more than a few days, a few weeks or a few years and more like a few rough decades!

Which brings me to the topic on my mind today. My brother would call and check up on me to ask how things were going for me. I would always tell him that things were going “okay”. But he was smarter than that. He knew that I was single and struggling. I had one challenge after another. Between failed jobs, relationships, homelessness, health issues and a ton of other “challenges” that came up, I was always struggling. It’s been one thing after another, just to survive for the last two decades.

My brother would always say to me, ” Yes, you are alone, but you are not alone”. Depending on my mood at the time, I would do one of several things. I would agree or I would roll my eyes. Or sometimes I would say with true conviction, that things would get better soon. I didn’t want him worrying about me or my situation.

I loved my brother. He was a good man. He had a huge heart. He called to encourage me. He called to support me. He sent me money. He sent me presents. He did countless act of kindness. He truly loved me with all of his heart and soul.

I knew why he was calling and texting me. He wanted to reassure me, to let me know that in my darkest hours, that I was not alone. He wanted me to know that yes, I was “alone” as in I was single and I was trying to make it on my own in this big world.He wanted me to know that my kids, although they live out of the house now, that they loved me. He wanted me to know that although most of my family and support system lived out-of-town, that they loved me, too.  But what he was telling me without being specific in words, is that I was not “alone” because God is always with me.

I have been a student of The Course of Miracles and also a student of metaphysics for the last two decades. I have attended some type of church since I was a preschooler. I have been reading The Bible since I was seven years old. I believe there is a God, a Higher Power or a Divine Intelligence greater than myself. So, for my brother to constantly feel the need to let me know that I was not “alone”, caused me to feel a sort of emotional discomfort. But I shrugged off my discomfort because I knew that his concern was genuine. I knew he wanted to help me fight off my struggles but just couldn’t do it at the moment, but that he was praying for me.

Over the last few weeks, I kept hearing those same words in my mind. I really dug deep and prayed as to the reason why I am hearing those words throughout my day. What I finally felt Spirit was wanting me to know is that even though my brother has made his transition and is no longer calling or texting me, is that I am not alone.

I sense that my brother knows that I miss him so much. I figure he knows that I do feel alone right now. I miss those calls from him. I miss those texts from him. I miss his encouragement. When I published my first book, I so wanted to share my good news with him. He was always pushing me to live my dreams. He wanted me to pursue joy, happiness and love. He didn’t want me to be alone. He wanted me to be loved and would have done anything in his power for that to happen for me.

What I realized today…because I couldn’t get those words out of my mind again…”Yes, you are alone, but you aren’t alone”…is that he is still “here” with me in Spirit.  I know my brother is just a prayer away. He is just a thought away. And that he is stilling loving me and wanting the best for me. I know that I am not alone because I am one with the Father, the Divine.

Like my brother, I know my God is just a prayer away, a thought away. In fact, I know my God lives within me, as Jesus taught. The Spirit of God dwells within me. And even when my ego runs wild with negative thoughts of feeling separate from God, my Spirit knows this is untrue. I am one with the Father, and the Father is one with me. We are never alone. My brother taught me well. I may be alone, but I am never alone.

“The Father and I are one.” John 10:30

 

 

I am Not Alone

When I was thinking over the topic for today’s blog, I kept trying to go back to a time period of when things were tough for me. I wanted to write something like, “back when things were really tough for me, like about five years ago…”, however, the time frame wasn’t working for me. So I kept thinking to myself of when the “tough times were”, and it’s then that I realized that the “tough times” have been more than a few days, a few weeks or a few years and more like a few rough decades!

Which brings me to the topic on my mind today. My brother would call and check up on me to ask how things were going for me. I would always tell him that things were going “okay”. But he was smarter than that. He knew that I was single and struggling. I had one challenge after another. Between failed jobs, relationships, homelessness, health issues and a ton of other “challenges” that came up, I was always struggling. It’s been one thing after another, just to survive for the last two decades.

My brother would always say to me, ” Yes, you are alone, but you are not alone”. Depending on my mood at the time, I would do one of several things. I would agree or I would roll my eyes. Or sometimes I would say with true conviction, that things would get better soon. I didn’t want him worrying about me or my situation.

I loved my brother. He was a good man. He had a huge heart. He called to encourage me. He called to support me. He sent me money. He sent me presents. He did countless act of kindness. He truly loved me with all of his heart and soul.

I knew why he was calling and texting me. He wanted to reassure me, to let me know that in my darkest hours, that I was not alone. He wanted me to know that yes, I was “alone” as in I was single and I was trying to make it on my own in this big world.He wanted me to know that my kids, although they live out of the house now, that they loved me. He wanted me to know that although most of my family and support system lived out-of-town, that they loved me, too.  But what he was telling me without being specific in words, is that I was not “alone” because God is always with me.

I have been a student of The Course of Miracles and also a student of metaphysics for the last two decades. I have attended some type of church since I was a preschooler. I have been reading The Bible since I was seven years old. I believe there is a God, a Higher Power or a Divine Intelligence greater than myself. So, for my brother to constantly feel the need to let me know that I was not “alone”, caused me to feel a sort of emotional discomfort. But I shrugged off my discomfort because I knew that his concern was genuine. I knew he wanted to help me fight off my struggles but just couldn’t do it at the moment, but that he was praying for me.

Over the last few weeks, I kept hearing those same words in my mind. I really dug deep and prayed as to the reason why I am hearing those words throughout my day. What I finally felt Spirit was wanting me to know is that even though my brother has made his transition and is no longer calling or texting me, is that I am not alone.

I sense that my brother knows that I miss him so much. I figure he knows that I do feel alone right now. I miss those calls from him. I miss those texts from him. I miss his encouragement. When I published my first book, I so wanted to share my good news with him. He was always pushing me to live my dreams. He wanted me to pursue joy, happiness and love. He didn’t want me to be alone. He wanted me to be loved and would have done anything in his power for that to happen for me.

What I realized today…because I couldn’t get those words out of my mind again…”Yes, you are alone, but you aren’t alone”…is that he is still “here” with me in Spirit.  I know my brother is just a prayer away. He is just a thought away. And that he is stilling loving me and wanting the best for me. I know that I am not alone because I am one with the Father, the Divine.

Like my brother, I know my God is just a prayer away, a thought away. In fact, I know my God lives within me, as Jesus taught. The Spirit of God dwells within me. And even when my ego runs wild with negative thoughts of feeling separate from God, my Spirit knows this is untrue. I am one with the Father, and the Father is one with me. We are never alone. My brother taught me well. I may be alone, but I am never alone.

“The Father and I are one.” John 10:30

 

 

Melancholy Memories

Melancholy Memories

 

I washed the dishes…

two bowls, two cups, two spoons…

carefully placing them on the drying mat.

James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, Carol King….

…. played from the radio

while you wiggled your body across the kitchen floor.

I took those moments for granted…

I always thought you would remain small.

Yesterday’s life was difficult,

now those days are forever gone.

Where the time went, I will never know,

…nor understand.

I thought as you and I grew older

life’s battles would ease up…a bit

…and they have…yet sometimes,

it just seems like, challenges change their names

but remain…and the stress is the same.

I was focused on us surviving,

one day into the next

to feed us, clothe us, to keep the lights on.

My love for you filled up not just a room

but from the earth to the moon.

Every struggle was worth it,

just to hold you in my arms.

I am quite sure you were hand- picked by God to be my son.

One of my biggest joys

was giving you a brand-new toy

and filling your life with pleasure,

like other little boys.

Now when we are together, sharing belly laughs

sharing hugs, solving life’s mysteries,

and sharing our love, near and far…

I am reminded, as I knew then,

we never really lacked anything, we

had everything we needed.

I never gave up…yeah, I was young

when you were brought into my life…but

I am assured, as I was then,

that when I held you in my arms,

…mesmerized by your blue eyes,

it was all meant to be.

So, “Let It Be” …. like when The Beatles’ song played

from my little FM radio…

while the dishes were drying,

and I tugged my little angel into bed.

 

For My Son, Joshua Smithmeyer

Kimberly Molyneaux

May 5, 2017

We Stand Together

We Stand Together

 

When I fall

you stand strong

lifting me tall.

When I am weak

it’s you, you are the one

who I seek out

for the answers,

I can’t seem to grasp.

I know you may wonder

but across your lips never utter,

as to why I am your birth mother.

All the emotions I have tried to bury

at times are strung along the walls.

Oh, you know my soul is strong

and full of amazing things,

but my path thus far

has been filled with painful scars.

Yet happy memories surface,

 living full and well,

as are the news ones created and shared each new day.

Beauty, is still what you see

when I am wearing my protective mask.

Like the saying says, “I love you to the moon and back”,

and I am quite sure,

in another lifetime shared,

Our paths have crisscrossed, a definite fact.

And I was the one who had your back,

who shared your laughter,

who held you through fears and moans

of life’s sticks and stones.

I stood by you.

You stood by me.

“It’s what you do”, you like to say.

We never really fail

We never really fall.

We have learned to smile.

We have expressed our sorrows,

shared the love we have never lacked.

As we continue to walk these earth school miles,

We stand tall.

We stand together.

Through it all. 

 

Kimberly Molyneaux
To My Son, Jacob William Deis
05/03/2017

Father’s Day

Here are a few poems that I wrote about my fathers. I was lucky enough to have two! I miss them both everyday. These poems have been included on my other blog, http://www.reachingforbrassrings.wordpress and in my book, “Reaching for Brass Rings; A Poetry Memoir of One Woman’s Search for Healing, Spiritual Truth and Self-Love”.  Thank you for your support. I hope you find some comfort, peace and commonality in them. My book is available online through Amazon and Barnes & Nobles.  A portion of the proceeds is donated to help end the cycle of child abuse. More Love, Kimberly

 

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9

 

Picture Frame

I press my nose hard on the picture frame.

I want you to come alive again,

with subtle smirk, you enter the front door,

placing your postal uniform

neatly on the wire hanger.

Your oldest grandson yells “Pa!”

in his small playful voice.

I love the way you glance over your shoulder,

teasing, pretending you haven’t heard him.

Your hands rub together to make warmth,

your presence is all it takes to melt my heart.

You stand with your knees buckled,

firm and strong, the way I always see you.

Ministering for The Lord,

you are a faithful servant.

You are a wonderful grandfather,

playing ball, fishing and teaching

the little ones about Jesus.

Thrilled, your grandsons hug your small frame

laughing and sharing rides on “John Deere”.

Steady as you mow, you are my foundation.

I hear you call out my nickname,

the only person allowed to do so,

I push away the picture frame!

For the moment, my room becomes still,

I feel your presence near.

Death may be ticking! Throw out the clocks!

Hurry! Never take time for granted!

These precious moments of time.

These keepsakes. These memories.

Are great gifts of the mind!

Split second memory photographs captured

recreating those good times,

so I won’t miss you so much.

When I no longer cling to this picture frame

my need to see you again

will have been satisfied.

Until that day, I am comforted

knowing you have seen God’s face.

For My Dad, Robert (Bob) E. Williams, Sr.

(1990)

 

Final Days

 Your body aches,

muffled moans

so no one will hear.

Pain intense,

holding back screams.

 

Days ago, we took time for granted,

now, limited days are visible.

I hear your trembling

voice on the telephone.

 

Days spent crying,

nights filled with prayers

for you to be healed.

 

As seasons change,

I prepare my heart

and search for strength

to comfort beloved grandchildren.

 

I do not know the feeling of dying,

but I know a part of me is dying with you.

When I let go of your cold hand

our hearts will remain intertwined.

 

An angel will call you home one day, and

you will meet The Lord in the clouds.

Someday, we will be reunited in heaven,

with the promise of no more tears or pain.

I will run to you, hug you,

and say, “Hi dad! I sure missed you!”

For My Dad, Robert (Bob) E. Williams, Sr. (1990)

 

Heaven’s Door

You needn’t be scared

and you needn’t hurry,

there’ll be plenty of time

on the other side.

 

We, in this lifetime

will miss you,

yet your life here

must come to a close.

 

You’ve led a good life,

but now live in pain,

and though we are so very sad,

you must answer the awaiting door.

 

I won’t be selfish and hold you back,

now that your journey has begun.

So, we say farewell and hold tight,

and know your spirit will remain.

 

When it’s my time to leave,

I know you will be there for me,

with so much love, and more,

holding open heaven’s door.

For My Dad, William (Bill) Molyneaux

(2005)

 

In My Father’s Memory

 

In his eyes I felt his joy,

in his hands I shared his strength.

In his music I sang his tunes,

in his soul lived Jesus Christ.

In my heart, these memories

warm my sadness on a blistering day.

All my life I will keep his memory alive.

We had bonded and grown to appreciate

each other’s differences, my father and I.

One day our souls will reunite,

no explanation of the past

will be necessary. Our love will be

clean and free at last

because God grants mercy and forgiveness

for all misunderstandings.

 

For My Dad, Robert (Bob) E. Williams, Sr.

(1991)

 

I am Not Alone

When I was thinking over the topic for today’s blog, I kept trying to go back to a time period of when things were tough for me. I wanted to write something like, “back when things were really tough for me, like about five years ago…”, however, the time frame wasn’t working for me. So I kept thinking to myself of when the “tough times were”, and it’s then that I realized that the “tough times” have been more than a few days, a few weeks or a few years and more like a few rough decades!

Which brings me to the topic on my mind today. My brother would call and check up on me to ask how things were going for me. I would always tell him that things were going “okay”. But he was smarter than that. He knew that I was single and struggling. I had one challenge after another. Between failed jobs, relationships, homelessness, health issues and a ton of other “challenges” that came up, I was always struggling. It’s been one thing after another, just to survive for the last two decades.

My brother would always say to me, ” Yes, you are alone, but you are not alone”. Depending on my mood at the time, I would do one of several things. I would agree or I would roll my eyes. Or sometimes I would say with true conviction, that things would get better soon. I didn’t want him worrying about me or my situation.

I loved my brother. He was a good man. He had a huge heart. He called to encourage me. He called to support me. He sent me money. He sent me presents. He did countless act of kindness. He truly loved me with all of his heart and soul.

I knew why he was calling and texting me. He wanted to reassure me, to let me know that in my darkest hours, that I was not alone. He wanted me to know that yes, I was “alone” as in I was single and I was trying to make it on my own in this big world.He wanted me to know that my kids, although they live out of the house now, that they loved me. He wanted me to know that although most of my family and support system lived out-of-town, that they loved me, too.  But what he was telling me without being specific in words, is that I was not “alone” because God is always with me.

I have been a student of The Course of Miracles and also a student of metaphysics for the last two decades. I have attended some type of church since I was a preschooler. I have been reading The Bible since I was seven years old. I believe there is a God, a Higher Power or a Divine Intelligence greater than myself. So, for my brother to constantly feel the need to let me know that I was not “alone”, caused me to feel a sort of emotional discomfort. But I shrugged off my discomfort because I knew that his concern was genuine. I knew he wanted to help me fight off my struggles but just couldn’t do it at the moment, but that he was praying for me.

Over the last few weeks, I kept hearing those same words in my mind. I really dug deep and prayed as to the reason why I am hearing those words throughout my day. What I finally felt Spirit was wanting me to know is that even though my brother has made his transition and is no longer calling or texting me, is that I am not alone.

I sense that my brother knows that I miss him so much. I figure he knows that I do feel alone right now. I miss those calls from him. I miss those texts from him. I miss his encouragement. When I published my first book, I so wanted to share my good news with him. He was always pushing me to live my dreams. He wanted me to pursue joy, happiness and love. He didn’t want me to be alone. He wanted me to be loved and would have done anything in his power for that to happen for me.

What I realized today…because I couldn’t get those words out of my mind again…”Yes, you are alone, but you aren’t alone”…is that he is still “here” with me in Spirit.  I know my brother is just a prayer away. He is just a thought away. And that he is stilling loving me and wanting the best for me. I know that I am not alone because I am one with the Father, the Divine.

Like my brother, I know my God is just a prayer away, a thought away. In fact, I know my God lives within me, as Jesus taught. The Spirit of God dwells within me. And even when my ego runs wild with negative thoughts of feeling separate from God, my Spirit knows this is untrue. I am one with the Father, and the Father is one with me. We are never alone. My brother taught me well. I may be alone, but I am never alone.

“The Father and I are one.” John 10:30

 

 

Going Off the Grid of the Grind!

“In a world where you can be anything…be yourself”.

Going Off the Grid of the Grind

Last week I took a test drive of sorts. To be specific, I took a test drive with another part of myself. Have you ever gone off the “grid of the grind”? You know, the grind is doing the same thing over and over again. For example, driving the same route to work every day. The grid represents the framework of how you always do things.

The grid and the grind can go hand-in-hand. The grid is your map and the grind is your means of transportation. The “grid of the grind” can mean “thinking outside the box” or “getting out of one’s comfort zone”. This is what I am talking about. Sometimes we try to do things in a completely different way because the old way hasn’t been working. You know the definition of insanity, “is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results”, thank you Albert Einstein!

Other times we can do things differently and not realize it on a conscious level. That’s what happened to me recently.  I laughed so much my mouth and the sides of my rib cage hurt. I tried new foods, met new friends and journeyed out of the five-mile radius of where I live, shop and thrive.

I found this new experience to be exciting! I felt happy! Not that I was unhappy before, but I felt a new sense of being. I re-experienced some of the feelings that I hadn’t felt in a long time.  I haven’t been a teenager in a few many years, but I felt giddy. When I put myself “out there” I got in touch with new emotions as well as the ones I thought were of the past.

But (there is always a but!), after the week was done and dusted, the “uh oh” thinking came. Then, my insecure feelings started poking me, finally piercing my core beliefs. I had to review and re-examine not just the spoken words but my actions.

I didn’t do anything crazy last week…just saying! But I did take chances at getting out of my comfort zone. Overall, it was a good experience. I had new experiences within each new experience! I guess it goes to show that even at my age of 53 and all that I have done in my life, there is still more room for personal growth!

I found that I am still vulnerable. Emotions rose up that go hand-in-hand. I felt joy and disappointment. I felt energetic and exhausted. I felt excited about the future and at the same time, I felt a bit afraid of letting go of the past. I wondered what it would be like to have something great turn out in my life. It’s been a long time since I felt accepted and successful, and well, at the same time!

I wondered what it would like to feel new love or revive a former love flame that still burns, also to feel romantic love. And to really feel a deep connection with someone. I wondered what it would feel like to start a new job opportunity. One in which the hiring manager really knew that I was the best fit for the job and excited to bring me on board. I wondered what it would feel like to jump in my car to drive with the sunroof open, the tunes blaring and drive until I felt like stopping for the night. I wondered what it would feel like to receive a gift that was simply over the top. I wondered what it would be like to engage in all five senses at one! Or are there 6 senses now?! These new experiences captured my attention. I was given the insight on how to pave a new road and given a new map. Thus, I experienced a new way of being. I let go.

“Going off the grid of the grind” for a bit of time was exhilarating. Following the same path day in and day out prevents us from growing. God grants us a new day to live, love and experience joy. I know that I don’t walk this world alone, God is with me every step of the way. Sometimes I run ahead of Him, allowing me to run free. He knows that I will always return to hold His hand, guiding me to discover my individual path. All paths lead to Him, after all!

He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. Psalms 25:9 (NIV Bible)

A Sense of Belonging

girl right side

 

I am at peace knowing that I belong to the circle of continuous and unconditional love from The Divine.  I know I belong to something greater than I will ever understand.

 

A certain song can take us back to a moment in time. “Which” time depends on you and your life experiences. I heard a song tonight but the name of the song is so irrelevant that I don’t recall it. But what I was feeling was the sense of belonging. For whatever reason, the melody propelled me back into a nostalgic memory. Memories flashed before me of times spent with my second oldest son and his wife, before they moved out of state. Then memories flashed before me of my oldest son moving out of state, to a different state than my second son. Before I knew it, I was in my car, driving along the road and tears were just pouring out of my body!

Both of my sons moved within months of one another. I was crushed! I cried then and I still cry because I miss them so much! I enjoyed spending time with them and never thought for one minute that things would change. I never took spending time with them for granted either. I was just so happy that they invited me into their lives. I never needed an invitation. They always welcomed me into their homes, and into their lives.

My sons gave me a sense of belonging. I felt at home with them. I felt accepted by them. We ate together. We laughed together. We disagreed but we honored one another’s opinion. We played darts. We brewed homemade craft beer. We sang, danced and created new things, which created new memories. We had fun.

When I was upset, they listened. When I was excited about my new real estate career, they encouraged me. When my heart was broken, they stood by me. When I said that I was writing a new book, well they said, “what can I do to help support you?”

And guess what? When they needed me I was there as well-24/7! Sometimes a sense of belonging is not about a physical place but it’s a state of mind. It is a moment in time. I do feel a sense of belonging when I am visiting my hometown. But that’s not what I am referring to here. It’s the sense of belonging that you have with someone that loves you and you love them back 100% of the of and then some!

When I think of my relationship with my sons, and all five of my kids, it is very similar to my relationship with the Divine. When I am at my best, I am at peace with the Divine. I mediate and am still. I feel the sense of belonging with my Oneness. I feel unconditionally loved. There are particular songs that I hear that instantaneously sync my with heart with the Divine.

A sense of belonging for me is a state of unconditional love. That state of mind is when I feel complete and when I feel joy.

I may feel sad at times due to my longing to spend time with sons and their families again. I know I feel sad that they don’t live down the street anymore. But I feel grateful when I hear a song that triggers me back to reminisce of the times spent with them. I am grateful for the tears that fall from my eyes. The tears represent the love we continue to share. The tears represent my sense of belonging to them. The memories are of the past but represent the future times when we will be together again, joining hearts and celebrating life. I am so grateful because my heart bursts with a sense of belonging to the loves of my life, my children, just as my soul knows that my relationship with the Divine is eternal love.

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” — Brené Brown (Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead)

 

Update On My First Book

“Supporters ” have asked for an update on my first book to be published! Well…there is more to writing and publishing a book than I had realized! I am doing this project mostly without any “support”, meaning I am a fish out of water! HAHA

The good news is that I am learning a lot about “how to” and a whole lot about myself!  The material in the book is heart-wrenching, I must admit.

I have a great editor and an illustrator on board now. I am almost finished rewriting and compiling. The next parts are to finish the editing, put the art work in place and submit to the publisher.

Look for a May 2016 release date!

Thank you all!!