I am Not Alone

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When I was thinking over the topic for today’s blog, I kept trying to go back to a time period of when things were tough for me. I wanted to write something like, “back when things were really tough for me, like about five years ago…”, however, the time frame wasn’t working for me. So I kept thinking to myself of when the “tough times were”, and it’s then that I realized that the “tough times” have been more than a few days, a few weeks or a few years and more like a few rough decades!

Which brings me to the topic on my mind today. My brother would call and check up on me to ask how things were going for me. I would always tell him that things were going “okay”. But he was smarter than that. He knew that I was single and struggling. I had one challenge after another. Between failed jobs, relationships, homelessness, health issues and a ton of other “challenges” that came up, I was always struggling. It’s been one thing after another, just to survive for the last two decades.

My brother would always say to me, ” Yes, you are alone, but you are not alone”. Depending on my mood at the time, I would do one of several things. I would agree or I would roll my eyes. Or sometimes I would say with true conviction, that things would get better soon. I didn’t want him worrying about me or my situation.

I loved my brother. He was a good man. He had a huge heart. He called to encourage me. He called to support me. He sent me money. He sent me presents. He did countless act of kindness. He truly loved me with all of his heart and soul.

I knew why he was calling and texting me. He wanted to reassure me, to let me know that in my darkest hours, that I was not alone. He wanted me to know that yes, I was “alone” as in I was single and I was trying to make it on my own in this big world.He wanted me to know that my kids, although they live out of the house now, that they loved me. He wanted me to know that although most of my family and support system lived out-of-town, that they loved me, too.  But what he was telling me without being specific in words, is that I was not “alone” because God is always with me.

I have been a student of The Course of Miracles and also a student of metaphysics for the last two decades. I have attended some type of church since I was a preschooler. I have been reading The Bible since I was seven years old. I believe there is a God, a Higher Power or a Divine Intelligence greater than myself. So, for my brother to constantly feel the need to let me know that I was not “alone”, caused me to feel a sort of emotional discomfort. But I shrugged off my discomfort because I knew that his concern was genuine. I knew he wanted to help me fight off my struggles but just couldn’t do it at the moment, but that he was praying for me.

Over the last few weeks, I kept hearing those same words in my mind. I really dug deep and prayed as to the reason why I am hearing those words throughout my day. What I finally felt Spirit was wanting me to know is that even though my brother has made his transition and is no longer calling or texting me, is that I am not alone.

I sense that my brother knows that I miss him so much. I figure he knows that I do feel alone right now. I miss those calls from him. I miss those texts from him. I miss his encouragement. When I published my first book, I so wanted to share my good news with him. He was always pushing me to live my dreams. He wanted me to pursue joy, happiness and love. He didn’t want me to be alone. He wanted me to be loved and would have done anything in his power for that to happen for me.

What I realized today…because I couldn’t get those words out of my mind again…”Yes, you are alone, but you aren’t alone”…is that he is still “here” with me in Spirit.  I know my brother is just a prayer away. He is just a thought away. And that he is stilling loving me and wanting the best for me. I know that I am not alone because I am one with the Father, the Divine.

Like my brother, I know my God is just a prayer away, a thought away. In fact, I know my God lives within me, as Jesus taught. The Spirit of God dwells within me. And even when my ego runs wild with negative thoughts of feeling separate from God, my Spirit knows this is untrue. I am one with the Father, and the Father is one with me. We are never alone. My brother taught me well. I may be alone, but I am never alone.

“The Father and I are one.” John 10:30

 

 

A Sense of Belonging; Full Circle

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Below is a blog I wrote on February 16, 2016.  Many things have since changed since then. Three years have gone by fast. However, the words and feelings remain as when I wrote it. There is nothing like a sense of belonging! Connected to another is more important to me today than it was then.

I am a peace knowing that I belong to the circle of continuous and unconditional love from The Divine. I know I belong to something greater than I will ever understand. 

A Sense of Belonging

A certain song can take us back to a moment in time. “Which” time depends on you and your life experiences. I heard a song tonight but the name of the song is so irrelevant that I don’t recall it. But what I was feeling was the sense of belonging. For whatever reason, the melody thrust me back into nostalgic memory. Memories flashed before me of times spent with my second oldest son and his wife before they moved out of state. Then memories flashed before me of my oldest son moving out of state, to a different state than my second son. Before I knew it, I was in my car, driving along the road and tears poured out of my body!

Both of my sons moved within months of one another. I was crushed! I cried then and I still cry because I miss them so much! I enjoyed spending time with them and never thought for one minute that things would change. I never took spending time with them for granted.  I was just so happy that they invited me into their lives. I never needed an invitation. They always welcomed me into their homes, and into their lives.

My sons gave me a sense of belonging. I felt at home with them. I felt accepted by them. We ate together. We laughed together. We disagreed but we honored one another’s opinion. We played darts. We brewed homemade craft beer. We sang, danced and created new things, which created new memories. We had fun.

When I was upset, they listened. When I was excited about my new real estate career, they encouraged me. When my heart was broken, they stood by me. When I said that I was writing a new book, well they said, “what can I do to help support you?”

And guess what? When they needed me I was there as well-24/7! Sometimes a sense of belonging is not about a physical place but it’s a state of mind. It is a moment in time. I do feel a sense of belonging when I am visiting my hometown. But that’s not what I am referring to here. It’s the sense of belonging that you have with someone that loves you and you love them back 100% and then some!

When I think of my relationship with my sons, and all five of my kids, it is very similar to my relationship with the Divine. When I am at my best, I am at peace with the Divine. I meditate and am still. I feel a sense of belonging with my Oneness. I feel unconditionally loved. There are particular songs that I hear that instantaneously sync my with heart with the Divine.

A sense of belonging for me is a state of unconditional love. That state of mind is when I feel complete and when I feel joy.

I may feel sad at times due to my longing to spend time with sons and their families again. I know I feel sad that they don’t live down the street anymore. But I feel grateful when I hear a song that triggers me back to reminisce of the times spent with them. I am grateful for the tears that fall from my eyes. The tears represent the love we continue to share. The tears represent my sense of belonging to them. The memories are of the past but represent the future times when we will be together again, joining hearts and celebrating life. I am so grateful because my heart bursts with a sense of belonging to the loves of my life, my children, just as my soul knows that my relationship with the Divine is eternal love.

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” 

— Brené Brown (Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead)

 

Forget Me Not

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If I die before I wake
or is that before you wake?
I am so unsure of things
of late…
No worries – fear not!
I am sorry I made you sad,
and you continue to cry each new day.
It is I who has failed you
and the entire world at large.
I did not measure up!
I could not see through my fears.
Forgive me yes or forgive me not
I could not stop my tears-
but I am now dead and
cannot feel my pain any longer
nor do I scream out when no one hears.
and surely, I can’t feel your sorrow-
or pray out to my God, my dreams, my pleas
or surrender to Thee,
all my cries went unanswered,
but you need to know, I did not give up easily,
I had hope until the very end-
what was today and is now tomorrow. Or was it yesterday?
No matter. Today I gave up.
Never regret the moments lived.
The moments unlived-it is what is.
Please never question my devotion to you.
I love you this is true.
I just can’t live another day
knowing I can’t win-
but in Heaven, you will find me
alive without sin.
Looking from afar, never doubt-
I will always love you
until all days come to an end.
Lastly, I just want to say,
I know this was extremely selfish of me…
…and I so can’t wait to see you again-
I weep as I write my last words to you.
I miss you too…
…I will love you until the very end.

 

Kimberly Molyneaux

For My Brother Charles (Chuckie) Molyneaux
1/25/2017 (RIP 03/07/2016)

I am Not Alone

Published on by Kimberly MolyneauxLeave a comment

When I was thinking over the topic for today’s blog, I kept trying to go back to a time period of when things were tough for me. I wanted to write something like, “back when things were really tough for me, like about five years ago…”, however, the time frame wasn’t working for me. So I kept thinking to myself of when the “tough times were”, and it’s then that I realized that the “tough times” have been more than a few days, a few weeks or a few years and more like a few rough decades!

Which brings me to the topic on my mind today. My brother would call and check up on me to ask how things were going for me. I would always tell him that things were going “okay”. But he was smarter than that. He knew that I was single and struggling. I had one challenge after another. Between failed jobs, relationships, homelessness, health issues and a ton of other “challenges” that came up, I was always struggling. It’s been one thing after another, just to survive for the last two decades.

My brother would always say to me, ” Yes, you are alone, but you are not alone”. Depending on my mood at the time, I would do one of several things. I would agree or I would roll my eyes. Or sometimes I would say with true conviction, that things would get better soon. I didn’t want him worrying about me or my situation.

I loved my brother. He was a good man. He had a huge heart. He called to encourage me. He called to support me. He sent me money. He sent me presents. He did countless act of kindness. He truly loved me with all of his heart and soul.

I knew why he was calling and texting me. He wanted to reassure me, to let me know that in my darkest hours, that I was not alone. He wanted me to know that yes, I was “alone” as in I was single and I was trying to make it on my own in this big world.He wanted me to know that my kids, although they live out of the house now, that they loved me. He wanted me to know that although most of my family and support system lived out-of-town, that they loved me, too.  But what he was telling me without being specific in words, is that I was not “alone” because God is always with me.

I have been a student of The Course of Miracles and also a student of metaphysics for the last two decades. I have attended some type of church since I was a preschooler. I have been reading The Bible since I was seven years old. I believe there is a God, a Higher Power or a Divine Intelligence greater than myself. So, for my brother to constantly feel the need to let me know that I was not “alone”, caused me to feel a sort of emotional discomfort. But I shrugged off my discomfort because I knew that his concern was genuine. I knew he wanted to help me fight off my struggles but just couldn’t do it at the moment, but that he was praying for me.

Over the last few weeks, I kept hearing those same words in my mind. I really dug deep and prayed as to the reason why I am hearing those words throughout my day. What I finally felt Spirit was wanting me to know is that even though my brother has made his transition and is no longer calling or texting me, is that I am not alone.

I sense that my brother knows that I miss him so much. I figure he knows that I do feel alone right now. I miss those calls from him. I miss those texts from him. I miss his encouragement. When I published my first book, I so wanted to share my good news with him. He was always pushing me to live my dreams. He wanted me to pursue joy, happiness and love. He didn’t want me to be alone. He wanted me to be loved and would have done anything in his power for that to happen for me.

What I realized today…because I couldn’t get those words out of my mind again…”Yes, you are alone, but you aren’t alone”…is that he is still “here” with me in Spirit.  I know my brother is just a prayer away. He is just a thought away. And that he is stilling loving me and wanting the best for me. I know that I am not alone because I am one with the Father, the Divine.

Like my brother, I know my God is just a prayer away, a thought away. In fact, I know my God lives within me, as Jesus taught. The Spirit of God dwells within me. And even when my ego runs wild with negative thoughts of feeling separate from God, my Spirit knows this is untrue. I am one with the Father, and the Father is one with me. We are never alone. My brother taught me well. I may be alone, but I am never alone.

“The Father and I are one.” John 10:30

 

 

A  Warrior’s Journey

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A year ago, my cellular phone rang.

I know where I was standing when

he shared his devastating news.

The results were in; analyzed

more than twice by the pros.

No time to stall or rush,

time just froze.

I could hear the disbelief,

when he hoarsely spoke,

“A rare cancer, “ACC”, was the diagnosis”.

In a room full of strangers, was I,

when my throat closed and knees buckled,

shaking hands covered my face,

releasing the tears to cup, then fall.

collapsing into the arms of an angel,

a kind compassionate stranger held me,

until time resumed again.

A possible fearful life event that we all shun,

but hear I did, my beloved son was sick.

Compassion and grief saturated my heart,

traveling a thousand miles plus, through telephone wires,

to envelop and take hold of this young man,

whom I love more than words or deeds

will ever express; my love for him runs lake deep.

To trade places impossible, but if I could,

as I think, all Mothers would.

Please Lord, spare him more disappointment and pain

and a miraculous healing instead, I prayed.

This is his journey after all,

a future “neck breather”,

I prayed not, but regardless,

I will be by his side,

to comfort and stand tall

should he need to see or feel the devotion

from his Mother’s love-filled eyes.

Suited up in bravery, he fought,

witty humor still intact,

armored in positivity,

struggling through a year of uncertainty,

he blogged and shared his stepping stones.

Broken hearts now restored,

blood tests and scans reveal,

this Mother’s prayers have been answered,

today, my son, an “ACC Warrior”,

courageously kicked the “Big C’s” Ass!

 
Kimberly Molyneaux

For My Son, Jeremy Frederick, An ACC Warrior
10/26/2018

A Thought Away

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Dear Son, 

I hope you are pleased to hear from me. 

God has many helpers to assist with tasks such as this. 

I am writing to let you know, 

I heard your thoughts of me today, 

and to let you know that I am doing well! 

What a reunion, your Mom and I have had! 

Loved ones too, welcomed me to the Magnificent Heavens. 

Young pups again, Sandy and Scout give a bark out to you! 

I know you miss me; I hear your prayers.

I am riding along beside you, holding your hand

when you drive by St. Anne’s,  

reminiscing of when I served at mass.

I know you miss my smile; the times we dined,  

my Veteran stories and most of all, my friendship. 

You are a strong and kind man and a loving dad. 

I see from here, the long hours you still continue to work, 

as well as the quality time you spend with family. 

I am so proud of you!

In case I didn’t let you know enough 

I love you, Son! 

Never forget, there is not a day that goes by that

I am not thinking of you!

I am just a thought away… 

Love, Dad 

 

For Jay 

Kimberly Molyneaux   

11/08/2017   

Heaven’s Promise

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My illusions tell me

the world in which I lived,

completely fell apart.

 

Feeling so much fear-

my identity as I knew it-Gone!

 

I wondered how many levels of hell

I had to experience.

 

Finally, I now  listen to what my Soul tells me, that

Nothing unreal exists!!

 

Nothing is worth the stress or worth dying for!

 

Only love lives on,

like a field of  waving lilies

blooming, stretching

across the backdrop of heaven’s promise.

 

Kimberly Molyneaux

03/06/2018

In Your Last Words

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This is a difficult day for me.

Three years ago I learned

You took your life in that bank parking lot.

 

…“Filled with tears of physical sadness,

yet eternal hope”

were the first words in your suicide letter.

 

The suffering you were feeling

is thoughtfully explained as is

your stated concern for us.

You question, “how will we go on without you”?

 

You justify that “death’s door is inevitable

from stress and the sheer thoughts

of failure and hopelessness”

in part from trying to” save” all of us.

 

As for me, I feel like I failed you.

I’ve stumbled through my days wondering

the “whys” and the “how could I have known” and

“the how did I miss the “signs”?

How could I have helped your fears?

Maybe I could have offered

a shoulder to cry on,

some words of cheer?

 

You wrote in your letter, you guessed that

when we would first heard the news,

“we would be shocked…

and devastated”…

You were correct as always.

 

I’ve searched my memory and

I now recall in so many words or less,

in your actions…your lack of actions,

you were indeed showing the tell-tale signs-

you had already quit this so called “game of life”.

 

“It was just a matter of time…

You played the hand you were dealt”, you scribed.

The obscurity to think…you could save us

from further strife

by sacrificing your precious life.

 

You typed that “you hated making

the ultimate decision”.

But you did.

 

You ask for our forgiveness.

Some days, I have, and other moments

Well, I am still reckoning with the loss.

 

What your actions taught me is

“love does not win”.

“hope does not overcome”.

You discuss “society’s greed

and your ultimate defeat”.

 

You let them win. But…

 

I believe you are now free

and were welcomed by dear ones

and mourn no more

of things of this ridiculous

illusion, our world.

 

With each passing of a new moon,

the emptiness of losing you doesn’t ease.

I long to hear your voice,

to see those blue twinkling eyes,

and oh, your smile and grin

and shenanigans you are creating

with that brilliant mind of yours.

 

But you are gone

and I must move on and

take ownership of my life.

 

With a heart so full of

forgiveness and of love today.

with belief, faith and

of God’s promise.

our souls will reunite.

Someday.

 

In your last words…

 

For My Brother Charles (Chuckie)

Kimberly Molyneaux

03/08/2019

Believing In Us

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Don’t you know I stay

because I love you?

I have been holding on tight

trying not to crumble,

waiting for you to look into my eyes,

see that I am still praying for our dreams

that we once believed in.

What I would do to repair it

and spare one more tear!

Don’t you know I still love us?

We may be broken but I still have hope, that

my love for you is enough

to heal us back together.

Look into my eyes.

Tell me you see my life of devotion to you, to us,

Tell me you see that I still believe in our dreams.

The question is, “do you”?

 

Kimberly Molyneaux

03/11/2019

 

The above poem came out of “nowhere”. It just came.  I didn’t write it, it wrote to me. I just put I  down the words. I do know what it feels like to love someone and no longer be loved. It really hurts!  God knows I have stopped loving someone in my past just as someone stopped loving me. Lessons learned. If I am lucky to find love again or if love finds me, as well as passion and devotion, I will be sure to hold on to it!

 

Baby Cooper Sunshine

Published on by Kimberly Molyneaux1 Comment

Just as your Mommy is to me

you are a burst of sunshine to my heart.

The apple didn’t fall far from the tree

when God gave us you.

You graced us with your birth

that Indian Summer day and

our lives have not been the same.

Your giggles and wiggles bring us

so much joy watching you grow.

Oh, so fast! Please slow down!

I want to hug you as long as possible

because every time I look into

your big baby blue eyes,

you tug at my heartstrings,

filling my soul with love,

bringing me a ray of sunshine

just as your Mommy did

before you came to be!

 

For Cooper Frederick

Kimberly Molyneaux

03/27/2019